Thirteen - Clarke says goodbye p1
by lovelostloree
Summary: The 100 Episode Thirteen, This will be a whole written description of what happened before "the end." This is one of my few stories I've been motivated to write. I'll take any feedback. Thank you!
1. Chapter 1

Clark knocked to let Lexa know she was coming in. Funny how she didn't think of Lexa as the Heda in her room, she was just Lexa. She opens the door with a crease on her brow from trying not to think to hard about what she was about to do, the fact that she had to say goodbye, so soon after having come to an understanding with Lexa. She felt like they were finally coming to a good place. Where they each knew where they stood.

Clarke walks further into the room, searching for her. She looks in the general direction of where she normally is, meditating by her bed like earlier, sitting on the couch reading, standing by the window doing what seems like contemplating life. She's not there. She walks a little further into her room, daring to almost go into the private quarters that she hasn't ever ventured to before.

As she moves towards deciding to go for it, Lexa comes out, fixing the ends of her hair. Clarke sees her first and her breath catches in her throat. Why does it seem like she always gets more and more beautiful each time I see her? Clarke thinks to herself. And now I have to break her heart. Although she doesn't want to admit it to herself, Clarke can sense that Lexa is just as in love with her as she is with Lexa.

Lexa notices her and freezes. I have to swallow the dryness in my throat to try to say something but before I can get a word out, Lexa speaks.

"When do you leave?" In those four words, if feels like her world has come to a screeching halt and might just be over. She walks towards me, almost tentatively, afraid I might run. Little does she know that's the last thing I want to do. If it were not for my duty to my people, for Octavia's plea that they need me, Bellamy's crazed actions, I would stay with her. But I would never be able to say that to her.

Instead, I nod and confirm her worst fears. "Now." It hangs out in the air, heavy. She nods in understanding. Sadness radiation off of all her features. I've never hated to see her so sad in all the time I've known her. I feel like I should do something, explain. I need to help her understand why I'm doing this. Why it has to be this way.

I move closer to her, I almost feel propelled, as if a magnet in her, connected to me, is pulling me towards her. "I'm sorry." I say, trying to put in all of my emotion into those two words. Oh I know how ironic this is after all the times that Lexa has said them to me. And I think now, only now, do I get it. Only now do I understand how hard it is to say, to explain, where the only adequate response to explain are those two words. Oh Lexa!

Immediately, as if she knew what I was going to say, as if in her mind she had already played out this scenario, she replies. "Don't be. You have to go back. They're your people." If I let myself think about it, my commander probably did think about the fact that she could potentially be in this position. That I would have chosen my people. She knows me too well. There's a pause and she inhales as if the next words are being dragged out of her body, "that's why I-" She stops here, and I find myself wanting to know what comes next. "That's why you're you."


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke nods. It feels like a final nod. Resolutely. Finally accepting that everything that her and Lexa did, happened for a reason. That this moment was meant to be. That it all led up to now.

"Maybe someday you and I will owe nothing more to our people." What else can she say? I want to stay, but I can't. I love you, but my people are my duty. None of the things she actually wanted to say would so freely come out of her mouth.

Lexa nods in understanding but her features are bleak. She's on the verge of tears. I can see how clearly her eyes are filling and it breaks my heart. "I hope so." She says and my heart, the one I didn't think worked anymore, the one that was dead since Mount Weather, expands to where it feels like it might burst.

I look at her as if seeing her for the first time. Maybe I am. Maybe I have just let go of the past and understand that what happened, had to happen. It is a part of who we are, just like I now have to leave. I now have to leaving knowing that this is the hardest decision I've made in a long while. I look at her lips. If I'm leaving, it has to be now. I can't leave her without saying… Without showing her how much she has changed in my view.

Lexa puts out her arm. This is familiar. I know this action. It's both a greeting and a good bye. But also this is Lexa's way of letting me go. Letting me know that it's okay. She'll be okay. I grab her arm in mine. How do people see this as a friendly act? I can feel goosebumps rising all over my body. Her touch is almost like a caress. Her grasp firm yet gentle. "May we meet again."

Oh how those words have haunted me. For three months, over and over, I repeated those four words. Hated her for saying them. But now, it sounds almost like a love song. There was so much meaning behind those simple words that all of the emotions I'd been trying to hold back rise up to the surface.

I look at her. I feel like I can finally see her. Not Heda. Not the Commander, not the one that has a duty to her people, but Lexa, the girl that feels, that regrets, that understands me. I see her and I cannot contain myself. Have I been staring at her lips this whole time? If I'm leaving and have no idea how long it will take to get everyone to understand what is going on with Pike, I'm going to take what I know is mine.

A small voice at the back of my mind says no, if you do this, you'll give yourself away. You'll be telling her that you love her. You'll be vulnerable again. You don't want to be vulnerable. But regardless, her lips looks so inviting. I see her chin quavering, and I find it insanely attractive, I want to taste her one last time, just to remind myself of what she feels like…

I step forward and instantly feel her arm rise up. Everything has been leading up to this moment. Each conversation, each touch, look, decision has led us to this moment. Our first kiss is soft. I put my hand around her neck to pull her closer.


End file.
